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How Do People Change? A Therapist’s Behind-the-Scenes Secret
- Dr Kate Owen
- Mar 26
- 6 min read
By Dr Kate Owen
Clinical Psychologist, Clinical Family Therapist, and Clinical Hypnotherapist
Have you ever wondered what a therapist is really thinking when you sit down and start telling your story?
Yes, we are listening carefully. Yes, we are paying attention to your feelings, perceptions, actions, your relationships, your struggles and your hopes.
But we are also doing something behind the scenes that you might not realise. We are quietly asking ourselves some very important questions:
“What needs to happen for change to be possible here?”
“How does this person (or family) create change in their lives?”
“What tools do I have in my therapy toolbox that will assist this change process?”
This is what we call a Theory of Change.
It’s a working hypothesis - a map, a guide, a thoughtful guess - to understand how someone might shift out of stuckness and into movement towards their hopes, goals and dreams.
What Is Your Theory of Change?
Here is a question for you: “Think about making a change in your life. Maybe you want to get fit and healthy, or perhaps you want to join a book club.”
What happened in your internal dialogue when asked that question? This tells us something about how you approach change.
Did your brain jump into action and start planning what to do?
“Just remove the junk food from the pantry, order healthy groceries, and look up local gyms or book clubs.”
Or did you start reflecting on why this matters?
“What’s been going on lately that makes my health feel more important? And what kind of book club would nourish me right now?”
If you leaned into planning and action mode, you probably have a preference for Doing.
If you leaned into reflecting and searching for understanding, you might gravitate towards Meaning Making.
There’s no right or wrong here. Just different starting points. Sometimes change comes from new insights - a lightbulb moment that rewrites an old story. Sometimes it comes from gently shifting a pattern - a way of reacting, relating, or thinking that no longer serves.
What This Means in Therapy
These two pathways - Doing and Meaning-Making - aren’t opposites. They are interconnected. When we take action, we create meaning. When we explore meaning, it often inspires action.
In therapy, understanding a person’s preferred way of changing can make all the difference. For example, if someone says “I just need to know what to do” I tune into their doing preference. If they say “I don’t understand how this happened” I tune into their need for meaning. And then use this information to decide what treatment to offer.
Why? Because a mismatch can be frustrating. If I offer reflective questions to someone looking for practical tools, they might walk out thinking we had a nice chat but didn’t get anywhere. And if I give strategies to someone seeking deeper understanding, they might feel unseen or misunderstood.
Understanding how you start the change process can be just as important as knowing what you want to change. And as a therapist, it is my job to collaborate and find the best “fit” of therapy that aligns with your preferences for change.
When you can identify whether you need space for reflection or a clear plan of action - and maybe both - you are more likely to choose a path that actually works for you and connect more deeply with the therapy process. You are less likely to feel stuck, overwhelmed, or frustrated by approaches that don’t match your rhythm.
Tools in the Therapist’s Toolbox
As therapists, part of our role is to hold a wide and flexible toolkit. A toolkit that allows us to adapt to different preferences and pathways for change. Once we begin to understand how someone tends to shift - whether through action or insight - we can select tools that match their natural rhythm.
For someone with a preference for doing we might lean into:
Solution Focused Strategies: Identifying what is already working and building on small, achievable steps.
Behavioural Experiments: Trying something new between sessions to test a different way of responding or relating.
Planning and Goal Setting: Creating a clear roadmap for change that feels practical and doable.
For someone with a preference for meaning-making we might turn to:
Narrative Therapy: Exploring the stories people tell about themselves and gently rewriting ones that no longer serve.
Reflective Questioning: Inviting curiosity about patterns, values, and the deeper “why” behind experiences.
Emotion Focused Work: Making space for feelings to be named, understood, and integrated.
Of course, people are rarely just one or the other, and most of us shift between these modes depending on what’s going on in our lives. That is why therapy needs to be a responsive and evolving process, and having a flexible toolbox matters.
Ultimately, the aim is always the same: to meet people where they are at and offer just enough of what’s needed to help them move in the direction they want to go.
Change Is a Dance
Change isn’t always a straight line from A to B. Sometimes it’s a few steps forward, a pause, a step back, a sidestep, and a new rhythm altogether. It can feel messy, uncertain, even a little clumsy. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. It just means you are in the dance.
Some people start with action and try something new, testing a different approach. Others begin with stillness - pausing to reflect, to make sense of what is happening inside. Neither is better. Both are valid.
In therapy, I often think of this dance as part of our work together. Sometimes we move quickly, with clear goals and steps. Other times we slow down and listen to emotions, patterns, and stories that want space to be heard. Good therapy, like a good dance partner, adapts to your rhythm. It notices when to lead, when to follow, and when to pause and breathe.
Therapy becomes a place where your unique dance of change is respected. Whether you come in ready to act or needing time to explore, our task is to find the tempo that feels right for you. And as your rhythm evolves, so too does our way of working.
Understanding Each Other’s Change Styles
When we understand how we change, we also start to see how others might do it differently.
In relationships - whether with partners, family members, friends, or colleagues - these differences can sometimes create friction. One person may be itching to take action and fix the problem, while the other needs to sit with their feelings, talk it through, and make sense of what’s really going on. Neither person is wrong. They’re just operating from different starting points.
You might be someone who says “Let’s just sort this out and move on” while your loved one says “I need time to understand how I feel before I do anything.” These moments can feel frustrating or even confusing, but they are also opportunities for growth and connection.
When we become aware of our own preference - Doing or Meaning-Making - we can start to spot the preferences in others. And with that awareness comes compassion. We can pause and ask, What does this person need right now? How can I meet them there, instead of pulling them toward my style?
For example:
If you are an action-oriented person, try offering space for reflection before jumping into solutions.
If you are more meaning-making, try acknowledging the need for action and exploring what small step might feel manageable.
Being curious about each other’s Theory of Change can reduce misunderstandings and deepen connection. It’s not about changing who we are, it’s about creating space for both people to feel seen, supported, and understood in the way they grow.
A Self-Reflection Exercise
If you want to think more deeply about your own Theory of Change, here is a simple self-reflection you can do right now. Take a moment to think about a time in your life when you made a meaningful change, no matter how big or small.
Ask yourself:
“What helped me most at the time?” Was it setting a clear goal and jumping into action? Or was it taking time to understand what the change meant to you and why it mattered?
“When I’m feeling stuck, what usually helps me move forward?” Is it a plan, a checklist, a conversation? Or is it space to think, talk, and connect with your deeper ‘why’?
There’s no right answer here - just clues.
Tuning in to how you naturally move through change can help you find more ease the next time you want to shift something in your life. And if you are unsure, that is ok too. Sometimes we discover our preferences by trying a few different ways and noticing what feels most helpful.
The Doer, the Meaning Maker, and the Dance of Change
There’s no one right way to change - just your way.
Whether you lean into doing or meaning-making (or both), understanding your preference helps make change feel less like a struggle and more like a flow. Therapy works best when it meets you there - at your pace and in your style.
And when you start noticing how others change too, that’s where connection deepens. Less friction, more compassion.
So next time you are stuck, don’t just ask what needs to change. Ask how you change best. That’s the beginning of real movement
References:
Please note that this article is educational in nature and does not constitute therapeutc advice.
Please seek professional support if required.