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By Dr Kate Owen
Clinical Psychologist & Clinical Family Therapist
Lately, I have been hearing both clients and supervisees talk about Let Them Theory, a book by Mel Robbins that encourages people to step back from the need to control or take responsibility for others. Many have found it useful in their efforts to break patterns of over-functioning - a concept from Bowen Family Systems Theory. As a systemic therapist, I am always curious about how popular self-help concepts align (or don’t) with systemic thinking, so I decided to read the book myself. I wanted to explore whether Robbins’ book offers insights that might be relevant to clinical work and professional supervision.
In this article, I explore whether Let Them Theory complements Bowen’s systemic perspective or if it takes a different path altogether. Does it reinforce key principles, or does it contradict what we know about how relationships function? And if it doesn’t fit, does that mean it’s flawed, or simply serving a different purpose? Let’s be curious together.
The Let Them Theory: Releasing Control and Embracing Freedom
The Let Them Theory, popular in self-development and coaching circles, is based on a simple but powerful principle:
"If someone wants to do something - Let Them"
This mindset shift encourages people to release control over others' choices, behaviours, and reactions. Rather than overanalysing or trying to change people, it emphasises letting go of what you cannot control and accepting that people will do and say what they want.
This means:
If someone isn't replying to your texts - Let Them.
If a friend cancels plans repeatedly - Let Them.
If a co-worker takes credit for your ideas - Let Them (and adjust your own boundaries accordingly).
The idea is that by stepping back and not wasting energy trying to control, persuade, or fix others, you free yourself from unnecessary emotional stress. It’s a form of radical acceptance that helps shift from reactivity to self-regulation, allowing you to focus on your own actions rather than trying to manage others.
The Let Me Perspective: Reclaiming Your Own Power
While Let Them is about letting go of control over others, Mel Robbins introduces the Let Me concept as the proactive counterbalance:
"If something isn’t working for me - Let Me change it"
Instead of getting stuck in frustration or resentment when others act in ways you don’t like, the Let Me perspective shifts your focus to what you can do, and what you can control.
If someone isn’t replying to your texts - Let Me stop chasing and redirect my energy elsewhere.
If a friend cancels plans repeatedly - Let Me prioritise relationships that feel reciprocal and fulfilling.
If a co-worker takes credit for my ideas - Let Me establish clearer boundaries, document my contributions, or advocate for myself differently.
This shift from passivity to agency is key. Let Them helps release the need to control others, while Let Me ensures you don’t become complacent or passive in your own life.
By balancing both perspectives, Robbins suggests that you will gain emotional freedom through taking responsibility for your own well-being, making healthier choices, and setting boundaries. This allows you to move forward with clarity, focusing on what you can control rather than getting stuck in what you cannot.
Over-Functioning in Bowen Family Systems Theory
Bowen Family Systems Theory, developed by psychiatrist Murray Bowen, explores how individuals function within interconnected emotional systems. It explains how emotional patterns are passed across generations, shaping responses to stress, relationships, and one’s sense of Self.
At its core, Bowen’s theory highlights the importance of differentiation - the ability to manage emotional reactivity while maintaining a clear sense of self. In simple terms, differentiation is emotional maturity: staying calm, grounded, and aligned with personal values, even under stress. Individuals with higher levels of differentiation regulate their emotions and make thoughtful decisions rather than reacting impulsively to relational pressures.
I cannot cover the breadth and depth of Bowen Family Systems Theory in this article. Instead, let's focus on two key concepts: the role of anxiety in relationships and over-functioning. Over-functioning, often driven by anxiety, perpetuates a tendency to take excessive responsibility for others in an attempt to manage emotional discomfort and attempt to maintain stability.
This can manifest in many ways:
A parent managing every detail of a child’s life while the child remains passive.
A partner making all decisions in a relationship while the other avoids responsibility.
A team leader micromanaging staff out of fear of failure.
People who over-function often step in to fix, rescue, or control, inadvertently fostering dependency in relationships or contributing to tensions and conflict.
Bowen Family Systems: Lead Yourself to Change Patterns of Behaviour
In Bowen Family Systems Therapy, breaking the pattern of over-functioning involves helping clients develop greater Differentiation of Self. Simply put, the ability to balance emotional connection while maintaining a clear sense of Self. Think of it as embracing the mantra "Lead Yourself". When individuals operate from a place of self-leadership, they can respond thoughtfully, set healthy boundaries, and foster more balanced interactions with those around them.
Strategies that a therapist might coach clients to Lead Yourself:
Increasing Awareness of the Pattern: helping clients recognise the over-functioning behaviour, the relational dynamics that reinforce them, and the emotional triggers driving their need to take excessive responsibility.
Shifting Focus to Self-Regulation: Encouraging clients to manage their own anxiety rather than attempting to control or rescue others. This may include mindfulness, emotional regulation techniques, or grounding exercises.
Pausing to Evaluate: Supporting clients in pausing before responding to the needs of others, distinguishing between what is their genuine responsibility versus an automatic urge to intervene.
Redistributing Responsibility: helping clients gradually step back from roles they have assumed for others, allowing those individuals to develop their own problem-solving abilities and resilience.
Exploring Multigenerational Patterns: examining family-of-origin influences to uncover how over-functioning developed as a coping strategy and identifying new ways to relate in family and social systems.
Building Tolerance for Discomfort: supporting clients in tolerating the discomfort that may arise when they relinquish control and allow others to step up.
For example: Sarah, a 38-year-old woman, constantly steps in to solve her younger sister’s problems - paying her bills, offering unsolicited advice, and managing her crises. Through therapy, Sarah explores how this pattern stems from a family expectation to be “the responsible one.” Over time she practices setting boundaries, resisting the urge to fix her sister’s problems, and tolerating the discomfort of stepping back. As a result, Sarah feels happier in her self and their relationship becomes more balanced.
Where Let Them and Bowen Concepts Overlap
At first glance, the Let Them approach and Bowen’s ideas to reduce an over-functioning pattern share a fundamental principle: stepping back and allowing others to take responsibility for their own actions and choices. Both frameworks challenge the impulse to intervene, over-manage, control, or absorb responsibility for others, instead promoting healthier relational patterns and personal growth.
Boundaries and Responsibility: Both emphasise the importance of distinguishing what is yours to manage versus what belongs to others. Over-functioning often leads to blurred boundaries, where one person takes on tasks, emotions, or responsibilities that rightfully belong to someone else. Both Bowen and the Let Them mindset encourages recognising these limits and allowing others to navigate their own challenges.
Emotional Detachment and Self-Regulation: Both approaches advocate for reducing emotional over-investment in others' decisions and behaviours. In Bowen theory, over-functioning is often driven by anxiety, leading individuals to take excessive responsibility for others as a way of managing their own discomfort. The Let Them philosophy similarly encourages stepping back, trusting others to handle their own lives, and focusing on self-regulation rather than external control.
From Reactivity to Awareness: Over-functioning is often a reactive response. An automatic attempt to “help” or “fix” in order to reduce personal anxiety. Both Bowen’s approach and the Let Them mindset promote self-awareness over reactivity, encouraging individuals to observe their emotional responses, tolerate discomfort, and make intentional choices rather than acting out of habit or fear.
Key Differences: Individual Choice vs Systemic Patterns
While they share common ground, the two frameworks differ in their depth and focus.
Let Them Theory is related to personal mindset shifts, encouraging individuals to accept what they cannot control and redirect their energy toward their own well-being. In contrast, Bowen’s concept of reducing over-functioning is based on systemic relational patterns, emphasising how individuals influence and are influenced by emotional dynamics in relationships.
The theoretical foundations also differ. Robbins’ approach is grounded in self-help and cognitive reframing, making it a quick and accessible tool for emotional relief. Bowen’s theory, however, is embedded in family systems thinking, which requires a more in-depth understanding of how relationships function over time.
In terms of an emotional approach, Let Them Theory suggests simply letting go and moving on when someone’s behaviour does not align with one’s expectations. Bowen’s perspective is more nuanced, encouraging individuals to observe their emotional responses and shift their behaviours within the relational system to create healthier interactions.
The impact of each approach also varies. The Let Them Theory primarily benefits the individual, providing personal relief and reducing frustration over others’ choices. Bowen’s framework on the other hand, facilitates long-term change by increasing emotional maturity at an individual level, as well as restructuring relational dynamics, leading to a healthier balance between autonomy and responsibility in relationships.
Final Thoughts
At its core, Let Them Theory encourages a shift away from controlling others, helping individuals release emotional entanglement to focus on their own responses. Bowen Family Systems Theory, while more complex, similarly emphasises the importance of stepping back. Not as a detached reaction, but rather as a deliberate, thoughtful shift in relational dynamics. Both perspectives challenge over-functioning, yet Bowen’s framework situates this pattern within a broader, multi-generational system of emotional responses and learned behaviours.
So, does Let Them Theory align with Bowen’s systemic perspective? In some ways, yes. It reinforces the idea that people benefit from stepping back and allowing others to take responsibility for their choices. However, while Let Them Theory offers an immediate, empowering mindset shift, Bowen’s approach provides a roadmap for deeper, systemic change that transforms relationships over time through self leadership.
If you are drawn to Let Them Theory, consider not only the relief of stepping back but also the systemic forces that shape your tendency to over-function. Are you letting go in a way that fosters long-term relational health? Are you addressing the patterns that keep these dynamics in place?
Stepping back can be powerful, but understanding why you are stepping back and what that means in the bigger picture might just be the key to lasting change.
References and Resources:
Robbins, M. (2024). The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking Aabout. Hay House.
The Bowen Centre for the Study of the Family - https://www.thebowencenter.org
Please note that this article is educational in nature and does not constitute therapeutic advice.
Please seek professional support if needed.