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By Dr Kate Owen
Clinical Psychologist & Clinical Family Therapist
Letting go of people-pleasing is a radical act of self-love. It is not about rejecting kindness or connection - it’s about making sure that kindness includes yourself. While people-pleasing may seem like a virtue, beneath the surface, it can be exhausting, anxiety-inducing, and tied to the belief that love and acceptance must be earned.
Gabor Maté, a renowned expert on the impact of adverse childhood experiences, explains that our earliest relationships shape how we view ourselves and our ability to set boundaries. When caregivers respond to our needs with inconsistency, conditional love, or emotional withdrawal, we may learn that our worth is tied to pleasing others. This early conditioning can make it difficult to establish boundaries later in life, as we continue to equate self-sacrifice with maintaining relationships and securing approval.
Gabor cites studies which show that chronic self-sacrifice can lead to increased inflammation, weakened immune function, and a higher risk of stress-related illnesses like autoimmune diseases and heart conditions. This highlights the profound physiological toll of prioritising others at the expense of one’s own well-being. Yet, many people-pleasers fail to recognise this link because their patterns feel natural - reinforced not only by early experiences but also by societal norms that equate selflessness with virtue. Family dynamics, cultural expectations, and gender roles often further embed these behaviours, making it difficult to break the cycle. Over time, people-pleasers internalise the belief that prioritising themselves is inconsiderate and indulgent, rather than recognising it as essential for well-being.
How People-Pleasing Begins
As children, we are wired for connection. We depend on caregivers for emotional and physical security. In an ideal world love would be unconditional, but for many, approval feels earned - linked to being well-behaved, compliant, or suppressing personal needs to avoid conflict.
If you experienced:
A parent who withdrew affection when you disagreed, teaching you to associate love with compliance
Pressure to be the “good girl” or "good boy" and to be the peacekeeper in the family
Praise only when you were helpful, agreeable, or emotionally attuned to others
An expectation to manage the emotions of those around you
You may have internalised the belief that self-sacrifice is the key to love and acceptance. Over time this pattern reinforces itself - prioritising others earns validation, while asserting yourself brings discomfort. As an adult, this might manifest as difficulty setting boundaries, feeling unworthy unless helping others, struggling to make decisions without external approval, or making decisions based on wanting others approval.
The Hidden Toll of People-Pleasing
One of the most confusing aspects of people-pleasing is how its negative impacts go unnoticed. Society often rewards self-sacrificing behaviour, reinforcing the idea that being helpful and agreeable is a virtue. This cultural conditioning makes it difficult to see when people-pleasing is causing harm. Many people misattribute their stress, exhaustion, or resentment to external pressures rather than recognising their own patterns of self-neglect.
For example, someone feeling constantly drained might blame their demanding job or family obligations, rather than realising their unconscious habit of prioritising others is depleting them. This misattribution keeps them stuck, believing that exhaustion is inevitable rather than a sign that boundaries need to be strengthened.
As an adult, people-pleasing often looks like:
Saying “yes” when you want to say “no”.
Feeling responsible for others’ happiness.
Over-explaining or apologising excessively.
Avoiding conflict at all costs.
Feeling guilty when prioritising your own needs.
Internally, this creates a storm of emotions:
Anxiety over disappointing others.
Resentment for feeling unappreciated or taken for granted.
Exhaustion from constantly managing relationships.
Self-doubt about whether your needs and desires truly matter.
And underneath it all, a lingering fear: "If I stop being what others want me to be, will I still be loved?" This fear keeps people stuck in patterns of saying "yes" when they mean "no", making it difficult to trust that self-worth is not dependent on pleasing others.
Reflection: Breaking the Cycle
If any of this resonates with you, take a deep breath. Awareness is the first step. Healing from the people-pleasing trait isn’t about becoming selfish - it’s about reclaiming your sense of self and learning that you are worthy, even when you set boundaries.
Consider these reflective questions:
What messages did I receive about love and approval in childhood?
In what situations do I feel compelled to please others at my own expense?
What am I afraid will happen if I disappoint someone?
How do I feel in my body when I override my own needs?
What small act of self-advocacy can I take this week?
Steps to Change the Pattern
Pause Before Saying Yes
Before agreeing to something, ask yourself: "Do I truly want to do this, or am I afraid of their reaction?" Give yourself permission to take time before responding.
Practice Small Boundaries
Start with low-stakes situations - decline an invitation, voice your opinion, or ask for what you need, even if it feels uncomfortable. Learn assertiveness skills if needed.
Get Comfortable with Discomfort
The first few times you say no, you may feel guilt or fear or shame. Breathe through it. This is old patterning that is no longer needed. This discomfort signals growth, not failure.
Tune Into Your Body
Those who people-please often disconnect from their own needs. Notice how different situations feel physically in your body. What does your "gut" tell you? Does your chest tighten when you say yes? Do you feel lighter when you set a boundary?
Soothe Your Inner Child
Speak to yourself with the kindness you needed as a child: “You don’t have to earn love. You are enough. It’s okay to have needs.”
Surround Yourself with Support
Breaking ingrained patterns is easier when you have people who respect your boundaries. Seek out friendships, mentors, or therapy that reinforce your worth outside of what you do for others.
Embracing Your Worth
As you begin to honour your needs, you will discover a deeper, truer and authentic version of yourself - one that is worthy, not because of what you do for others, but simply because you exist.
You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to have needs. Every time you choose yourself, you reinforce your own worth. Start small - honour one need today, set one boundary, and remind yourself that self-care is not selfish but necessary.
And you are still lovable when you say no. Trusting yourself and honouring your needs will not push people away - rather, it will attract relationships built on mutual respect. Over time, breaking the cycle of people-pleasing will bring a greater sense of peace, confidence, and authenticity to your life. Your worth is not defined by how much you do for others, but by who you are. Take one step today, whether it’s a small 'no' or a moment of self-care, to reinforce that you are enough just as you are.
Reference:
Gabor Mate with Daniel Mate (2022) "The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture".
Please note that this article is educational in nature and is not therapeutic advice.
If needed, please seek professional support.